Deal or No Deal  FF8 Style
by Relyob
Summary: Ever wondered what Deal or No Deal would be like with the characters from FF8? Well if you have, here's the place to find out what it might be like, pretty funky. ParodyHumour. No character bashing. :]
1. Chapter 1

_**Deal or No Deal - FF8 Style**_

**Noel Edmonds: **Twenty-two identical sealed boxes. No questions. Except one: deal or no deal?

-Theme music starts to play and the cheesy animation that shows all of the boxes being filled with the money cards appears on the television screen-

**Noel: **-Turns to the camera and gives his trademark smile- Hello there! Today we are joined by the beautiful cast of Final Fantasy VIII and two random people from Final Fantasy X. This is a one of special folks and only one contestant will get the chance to play for the outstanding prizes! So, east wing, west wing say hello to the cameras!!

**East and west wing: **...Hello.

**Noel: **-Laughs- How excited are they?! Woo this is going to be one heck of a show, I can tell!! The computer is now going to pick out one name from our contestants and then that contestant will have the chance to win up to 250, 000 Gil!!

-Game board appears on the screen showing each of the contestants names. [Tidus, Selphie, Cid, Biggs, Kimarhi, Zell. ZELL! Zells name begins to flash on the large game board-

**Noel: **Zell, Zell Dincht! Up you come!

**Zell: **-Punches the air- Get in there!! Hah! Not the lead now Squall are we!??

**Squall: **..Your only going to win about 10 Gil anyways..

**Zell: **Nah man, change that 10 to a 25 and add four noughts, that's what I'll be winning. Oh yeah!!

**Squall: **Whatever. I make that in a day...

**Zell: **Humph.

**Noel: **Uhh.. Right. So, Zell what have you brought along for luck and everything?

**Zell: **Oh, these? Just two of my lucky photographs. -Grins-

-Camera zooms into the first of ells two photographs. The first photograph is a picture of everybody (Squall, Rinoa etc) in Balamb Garden on their arrival from the defeat of Sorceress Ultimecia. The second shows Zell staring at the Library Girl from behind a book labelled, 'How To Interact With The Opposite Sex' in block capitals-

**Noel: **Umm Zell.. There's also a half eaten hot dog resting on your box is.. Is that uhh also for luck?

**Zell: **Well you see Noel, it WAS a full hotdog but this show took ages to begin and I needed a munch so basically, it's all you and your milky heads fault!

**Noel: **... Sorry Zell.

**Zell: **-Sniffs- It's alright.

**Noel: **Okay Zell, we now need you to clarify that your box, box number four, was sealed by the independent adjudicator who seals all the boxes and is the only person who knows were the money is.

**Zell: **That's true Noel.

**Noel: **-Nods at Zell- In that case, lets get ready to play 'Deal or No Deal!'

-Catchy music starts to play.-

**Noel: **Right Zell! Let's go, choose a box.

**Zell: **Hmm. -Looks around the contestants- Cid please, box number 3.

**Cid: **This is a blue Zell, I know it!! -Opens box to reveal 5,000 Gil-

**Zell: **Some blue Cid.. But, that's okay! Alright... Adel! I choose you!

**Adel: **I hope you crash and burn you Ash Ketchum-wannabe! MUHAHAHAHA!!

**Everybody: **... -Staring at Adel-

**Rinoa: **-Coughs-

**Everybody: **-Stares at Rinoa-

**Rinoa: **Oh.. Sorry.

**Everybody: **-Stare at Adel again-

A random dust ball rolls across the ground like in the western movies.

**Edea: **Open the damn box you stupid Sorceress!

**Rinoa, Ultemecia and Adel: **-Stare at Edea-

**Adel: **-Box opens to reveal 10 Gil- ...Shit.

**Zell: **Yeo!

**Noel: **Okay Zell, just another three boxes to go.

**Zell: **Seventeen is my lucky number so, number seventeen. Angelo, please!

**Angelo: **Woof!!

**Rinoa: **Open the box Angelo, come on girl. Go on!

**Angelo: **-Wags tail- Woof, woof! -Opens box to reveal... 1000 Gil-

**Rinoa: **Who's a good dog.. You are! -Pets Angelo-

**Zell: **So far so good. Alright, go on Selph!

**Selphie: **Good luck Zelly! -Opens box to reveal... 100, 000 Gil.- Oops, sorry..

**Zell: **Damnit!

**Seifer: **AJAJAJAJAJAJAJAHAHAHAHAJAJAJHAHAH!! 100, 000! HAH!

**Zell: **Shuddup!

**Seifer: **...Sorry.

**Zell: **You better be.. -Eyes Seifer suspiciously- Alright.. Box num-

**Seifer: **AHAHAHA! Your gonna get zilch! ZILCH! HAHAHA!

**Noel: **Now Seifer, you wouldn't like it if it wa-

**Seifer: **ZILCH!!! HAH!

**Noel: **Security guards!

**Seifer: **HAHAHA! Noel! Your hair is rough! HAHAH

**Noel: **I said security!

**Quistis: **Hold on Noel. Seifer?

**Seifer: **Quistis?

**Quistis: **-Pulls out her bad ass whip- See this?

**Seifer: **-Gulps- Ye-Yeah?

**Quistis: **You are going to feel pain from this whip if you don't keep quiet. Okay?

**Seifer: **-Gulps again- O-okay..

**Noel: **Thank you Quistis. Now Zell, proceed.

**Zell: **Biggs.

**Biggs: **...Stupid SeeD.. -Opens box to reveal.. 15, 000 Gil-

**Seifer: **HAHA- Ow! Quistis!!

**Quistis: **Told you so.

**Noel: **This is one fascinating game! I'm sure all you lot out there are on the edges of your seats!

----

**Cloud: **Tifa what is this shite?

**Tifa: **Shh! I wana see how much Zell wins!

**Cloud: **... Who the hell is Zell?

**Tifa: **You don't know Zell? Zell!?! He's Zell Dincht, the most hottest Final Fantasy guy around!

**Cloud: **...

**Tifa: **He is!

**Cloud: **I bet he doesn't have a cool sword like me!

**Tifa: **Maybe not, but he has a tattoo.

**Cloud: **... Damn. I bet his hair doesn't even have spikes!

**Tifa: **...It does.

**Cloud: **Damn! I-I bet he umm doesn't have wait! I bet he wasn't in SOLDIER like me! Hah!

**Tifa: **No.. But he is in SeeD which completely owns SOLDIER.

**Cloud: **Shut up.. I'm away to play with my dolls. -Walks away-

----

_**Bring-Bring-Bring-Click!**_

**Noel: **Hello? Ha, ha yes. No! Really? Bowling, you say? Sure! Friday at eight? Good, good. Okay see ya, snucims! -Puts down the phone-

**Everybody: **...

**Noel: **What? Why's everybody so quiet?

**Zell: **...The offer?

**Noel: **Oh that.. It's 1, 339 Gil.

**Zell: **Well, nobody deals on the first round so Noel, I'm ready for the question.

**Noel: **Zell, 1, 339 Gil: deal or no deal?

-Some random heartbeat noise thing can be heard in the background. Camera zooms in on Zells head-

**Zell: **No deal!

-Audience applauds-

------

Hey! Well that's all for this first part from now on every time Zell eliminates another three boxes a new chapter will begin. It's gonna get pretty crazy from here on so yeah, please R & R.. It annoys the heck out of me when I see I've got around 200 hits and my stories have been favved but yet they have zero reviews.. So yep! Just wanted to say that..

**Zilch** means nothing by the way. See ya! Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

-- Few notes beforehand: I had to change some of the money amounts otherwise it wouldn't make sense so in the real Deal or No Deal the money from £1 to £750 has been change to 100Gil to 450Gil. If that makes sense.. I'll explain it more after this.

_**Deal or No Deal - FF8 Style (2)**_

**Random member of the audience: **Your my idol Zell!! Come on people lets chant: We love Zell! We love Zell!

**About three members of the audience: **We love Zell! We love Zell! Come on people!

**The rest of the audience: **...

**A different random member of the audience: **Sit down you lousy bums!

The people who were chanting all take their seats.

**Zell: **-Grins- Heh, did you hear that? I don't see anybody chanting any of your names hah!

**The entire audience: **We love Seifer!! We love Seifer!!

**Zell: **Whaaaaat!?! -Sounding like Parappa the Rappa-

**Seifer: **-Pulls out a conductors baton and begins to conduct the members of the audience as if they were a choir-

**Zell: **Quistis make him stop. This is my show.. -Cries- He's stealing the spotlight!

**Quistis: **Right. -Pulls out her whip and smacks Seifer's baton with it-

**Seifer: **My stick!

**Quistis: **Seifer sit down and let Zell continue.

**Seifer: **-Grumbles- ..Hmm.. Whatever.

**Squall: **-Glares at Seifer-

**Noel: **Ahem.. Yes well, back to the game! You told us No Deal right Zell.. So go on, pick your next box.

**Zell: **Alright, Ir-

**Noel: **Think carefully now..

**Zell: **Yes, I was until-

**Noel: **Come on now Zell, you need to think blue.

**Zell: **Yes Noel. I am... But you keep int-

**Noel: **Blue... Blue.. Blue..

**Zell: **Will you stop it!

**Ultemecia: **Hurry up and pikk a box you kursed SeeD!

**Zell: **-Glares at Noel- Irvine, bring me a blue man!

**Irvine: **Sure thing. -Opens box to reveal... 300 Gil-

**Zell: **Cheers Irvine!

**Irvine: **No sweat man.

**Seifer: **..You both want each others bums so badly it's unbelievable.

**Zell: **-Balls fists- What did you just say!!?

**Irvine: **No way Seifer, I am a full-on ladies man!

**Seifer: **Bah! You keep telling yourself that.

**Zell: **Tch... Shut up Seifer.

**Seifer: **Sticking up for your boyfriend! Hahaha!

**Zell: **Shuddup! Let me choose my next box!

**Seifer: **Hey, I ain't stopping you Chicken Wuss.

**Noel: **Now Seifer, I'm going to have you escorted from the building if you continue with this nonsense.

**Seifer: **Oooh, I'm scared!

**Noel: **...

**Zell: **Moving on! My girlfriend.. The Library Girl!

**Seifer: **-Mumbling- More like the Library Boy.. Heh..

**Zell: **Damn it Seifer! -Jumps out of his chair-

**Noel: **That's it! We're going to have to take a break. We'll be back shortly, don't leave though.. I have a very good feeling about Zells game!

--

**Tifa: **-Whips out a fan- Woo!

**Cloud: **-Walks into the same room as Tifa-You still watching that crap? ...And why are you fanning yourself.. It's the middle of December.

**Tifa: **It's not crap! Zells game was so exciting that I began to get a little flustered so I made a fan, it's a break now though so I have exactly... Two minutes and forty-nine, forty-eight, forty-seven, foty-six seconds to talk to you. Here. -Pats chair- have a seat.

**Cloud: **Tifa! I'm way more important than some stupid game show, on channel four and hosted by Noel Edmonds nonetheless!

**Tifa: **-Eyes go red- It is **not **stupid, apologise!

**Cloud: **Ahh! Your eyes, they're.. They're red!!

**Tifa: **APOLOGISE!!

**Cloud: **I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm still more in important than it though..

**Tifa: **Well maybe I was being a little harsh there. Of course you're more important than Deal or No Deal, Cloud. I'm sor-

--

**Noel: **Welcome back!

--

**Cloud: **Aww Tifa. -Walks over to give Tifa a hug- C'mere.

**Tifa: **-Slaps Cloud with her fan- Do not hug me when Deal or No Deal is on! I could of missed five seconds of the show thanks to you and your spiky head. Now out! Your annoying me.

**Cloud: **Whaaaaat!!?! -Sounding like Parappa the Rappa.. Again-

--

**Noel: **We would like to inform you that Seifer has been kicked out of the premises due to 'bad behaviour,' he will be punished severely.

**Raijin: **We think this is pretty unfair, ya know?

**Fujin: **AFFIRMATIVE.

**Noel: **Well, we can't do anything about your feelings.

**Raijin: **Yeah well, just remember that we will be giving you dirty looks all through the show.

**Noel: **...Thanks? Okay.. Since Seifer is no longer here, Squall will be opening his box for him because he was standing beside him.

**Zell: **Can I pick the next box now?

**Noel: **No.

**Zell: **Whaaaaat!? -Sounding like Parappa.. Okay you get the gist-

**Noel: **-Talking into his earpiece- No, I don't want a chicken burrito damnit!

**Zell: **... The Library Girl!

**Library Girl: **Gosh Zell -Snorts- Haha! Your so funny!

**Zell: **Umm... Yeah...

**Library Girl: **-Opens box to reveal... 20, 000 Gil-

**Noel: **That was not what we wanted to see. Shame on you!

**Library Girl: **-Cries then runs away-

**Zell: **Smart ... Okay, Tidus!

**Kimarhi: **Kimarhi thinks we are in the wrong Final Fantasy.

**Tidus: **Kimarhi just shut up. -Opens box to reveal... 100 Gil-

**Zell: **Yes!

**Noel: **Oooh. I wonder what Mr.Banker will offer you now then Zell...

_**Bring-Bring-Bring-Bring-Bring-Bring**_

**Zell: **... The phone is ringing...

**Noel: **Yes but I have to leave it for a while to give the people at home a sweat..

**Zell: **Oh.. _Like the people watching will be sweating.. It's December.. Noel is such a idiot._

--

**Cloud: **What the hell is that smell?!

**Tifa: **I'm sweating now LEAVE!

--

**Noel: **-Finally answers the phone- Hello.. Yes, yes.. Oh. Oh, I see. Okay. Under the table? Right, thank you. -Puts down the phone- He said there's a present for you under the table.. -Feels under the table- A-ha! -Whips out some random hat thing- I believe this is for you.

**Zell: **Hey! Thank you Mr.Banker. -Puts on the hat. It reads 'I Suuuuuck!' with an arrow pointing downwards- He's such a nice man, the offer now?

**Noel: **Heheh, oh that it's 9, 000 Gil.

**Audience: **Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

**Zell: **Wow, that's quite a nice little offer. Xu, what would you do?

**Xu: **Well personally I would say this because in the real world, our Final Fantasy, and not this pathetic 'Earth' world I would believe that in order to gain the amount of money blah blah blah blah blah... Blah, blah. Blah.

**Zell: **...So you would say...?

**Xu: **No deal.

**Zell: **Right! Noel, I'm ready for the question!

-The random heartbeat noise can be heard again and the camera zooms into Zells nose this time-

**Noel: **Zell: 9, 000 Gil... Deal or No Deal?

_**Ba bump- Ba bump- Ba bump **_(Heartbeat)

**Zell: **...Noel.. No deal!!

-Audience applauds-

**Yoda: **Wise decision, young one.

**Everybody: **O.O

-Yoda floats away on a cloud-

------

Right, this chapter was real random..

Earlier I said the amounts had changed so here's how it is. £1 is now 100 Gil. £5 is now 150 Gil. £10 is now 200 Gil. £50 is now 250 Gil and so on (they're just going up in 50s) until we get to £1000 which is just the same, 1000 Gil. I hope that isn't to confusing.

Please R&R.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Deal or No Deal – FF8 Style (3)**_

**Noel: **Wowee! The atmosphere here sure is intense, Zell has just declined the bankers' second offer! I can sense that you want to go all the way with this one Zell. Last base, here we come! Yoza!

**Zell**..Uhh.. Yeah?

**Noel: **Gosh you're in high spirits today..

**Zell: **What's that supposed to mean?

**Noel: **Well, ahem. When I was fooling around with Squall in Balamb Garden, I kept talking to you and every single second you were always a nice hyper lad. You actually annoyed me once or twice but now..

**Zell**..You...

**Audience: **...Were..'Fooling'..

**Ward: **...

**Kiros**He said 'around.'

**Biggs**..With..

**Squall: **ME?!?!?!!! o.O

**Noel: **Yeah, for hours on end. I forgot to thank you for it Squall, I had so much fun!

**Rinoa**Good God.. Squall, you never told me you were going at it with Mr.Edmonds! –Cries-

**Squall: **Rinoa, I wasn't!

**Noel: **Rinoa, what are you talking about? I'm more than one hundred percent positive that nearly everybody 'reading' this show has fooled around with Squall when they're bored.

**Everybody: **O.O

**Noel: **What is with all of you?! I'm talking about in the game Final Fantasy VIII. You know?! When you're bored you decide to go fool around instead of continuing with. Maybe go play a game of triple triad or something.. No?

**Zell: **Oooh! We thought you were talking about uhh, yeah, okay! Moving on.. Matron!

**Noel: **Who the hell is 'Matron?'

-.-.-.-.-

**Tifa: **What sort of question is that?!!! 'Who the hell is Matron?' Who the hell is Noel Edmonds!!?! –Throws her shoe at the flower plant beside the television-

**Cloud: **-Walks into the same room as Tifa- Man, I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't of became a priest Father Vincent. –Points to Tifa- Well there she is, I'll leave you alone so you can perform the exorcism on her. G'luck!

**Vincent: **She seems...

**Tifa: **MATRON!?! EDEA!! ORPHANAGE!! THAT'S WHO, YOU MILKY HEAD!!!!

**Vincent: **...Disturbed.

**Cloud: **Yeah, it's that show. I think there's a spirit or something inside her who is obsessed with it, that's why I need you to perform the exorcism, Father.

**Vincent: **What show may this be?

(By the way Tifa is still screaming about Edea in the background.)

**Cloud: **Deal o-

**Vincent: **-r No Deal?!

**Cloud: **That's the one. :l

**Vincent: **Yes!! –Runs to Tifa- O.O The Final-Fantasy-VIII-one-of-special?! I didn't think it was on until tomorrow!!

**Tifa: **Nope today. That clown, Noel, didn't even know who Matron was!

**Vincent: **What a balloon!

**Vincent and Tifa: **MATRON IS EDEA. THE SOCERESS WHO RAISED ZELL, IRVINE, QUISTIS, SEIFER-

**Cloud: **Uhh.. Tifa? ... Vincent??

**Vincent and Tifa: **-Look at Cloud for a few seconds, blink, then start shouting at the television screen again- SQUALL, SELPHIE-

**Cloud: **...Anybody? –Cries-

-.-.-.-.-

**Noel: **Oh.. Now I see, okay, Edea then you say?

**Zell: **Yep!

**Edea**-Opens box to reveal...50 Gil- No worries.

**Zell: **Huh, 'no worries?'

**Edea**I knew you were going to say 'thank-'

**Zell: **-Okay Fujin please!

**Edea**Didn't even let me finish you skinny little salap.. –Sulks-

**Zell:** Sorry Matron, I just want to pick my boxes, get it over and done with you know? So Fujin, your box please.

**Edea**-Sniffs- Sure, okay. –Whispers a spell- Heh... Firaga!

**Fujin: **AFFIRMATIVE! –Opens box to reveal...-

**Selphie**-Sniffs air- Heey, can anybody smell burnt scampy fries?

**Zell: **_Hrmm__ my hair gel is __scam__p__y__ fries very own bran__ But it must just be a coincidence._

**Selphie**Zell! Your hair is on fire!!

**Zell: **ARGH!!! HELP!

**Xu**-Points at Edea- It was her, her!! Edea! I seen it all!

**Zell: **MATRON!! DEAR LORD SOMEBODY HELP ME!

**Edea**Woops, it's actually all Ultemicia's fault, she possessed me again. Blame the K Lady. Yep.

**Ultemicia**What!?!

**Noel: **Excuse us for one moment; this fire is all a figment of your imagination. Imagination... Imagination.. Ima-

**Zell: **STOP REPEATING THE BLOODY DAMN WORD IMAGINIATION AND PUT OUT MY HAIR!

**Noel: **Stay tuned, we'll be right back!

-.-.-.-.-

**Tifa: **He better stop taking breaks!

**Vincent: **Yeah, you I think Zell may just be the first person ever to win 250, 000 Gil on Deal or No Deal.

**Tifa: **Yeah, he's such a cutie. I could just kiss him all over!

**Cloud: **Tifa!

**Tifa: **What?

**Cloud: **I'm standing right here!

**Tifa: **And..? What d'ya want a ham bap and cheese roll or something?

**Cloud: **Huh?

**Vincent: **It's too complicated for your puny brain to comprehend.

**Cloud: **Stop it! Stop making me feel like a reject!

**Vincent: **You are a reject Cloud.

**Tifa: **Yeah, you reject.

**Cloud: **-Runs away- _I'll show them that I, Cloud Strife, am not a reject!_

-.-.-.-.-

**Noel: **You're all insane! INSANE! Oh hello again. So um Fujin was just about to open up her box.

**Fujin: **AFFIRMATIVE! –Opens box to reveal... 3, 000 Gil-

**Noel: **Oooh a red!

**Zell: **Never mind 3, 000 Gil isn't that bad. Alright now, Seifer's box.

**Noel: **Squall, if you'd please.

**Squall: **-Opens box to reveal... 75, 000 Gil-

**Zell: **-Faints-

5 Minutes later...

**Zell: **Ugh.. What happened?

**Noel: **Well, Squall opened Seifer's box which held 75, 000 Gil, you then fainted, the banker rang, offered you 7, 000 Gil, laughed, laughed, coughed for several minutes which was quite disturbing, laughed some more, finally hung up and now we're waiting for your answer.

Random heartbeat noise is heard once again and the camera zooms in on Zell's hair, showing a large bald patch.

**Zell: **Generous offer but I'd still say I have a few more rounds left before I move my ass of this chair.

**Noel: **But... You're not on the chair now so technically you have moved your ass..

**Zell: **Noel just.. Just shut up.

**Noel: **...

**Zell: **Okay ask me the question.

**Noel: **You annoy me.. 7, 000 Gil: Deal or No Deal?

**Zell: **Nodel, hah!

**Noel: **...

**Zell: **See how I did that! I just added a 'd' to the middle of your name! Genius yes, yes.. I know.

**Noel: **So, it's No Deal?

**Zell: **Aye!

-Audience applauds-

-.-.-.-.-.-

I'm really, really sorry about how long it has taken me to update this. My labtop is completely busted so I had to buy a new one which I got today as my early Christmas present. :l Anyways, it's up now so I hope you enjoy this!


	4. Chapter 4

_**Deal or No Deal – FF8 Style (4)**_

**Noel: **And.. We're back on the scene with the cast from Final Fantasy VIII and also Tidus and Kimarhi from Final Fantasy X. Zell has yet again declined his last offer of 7, 000 Gil. That may or may not have been a fatal mistake on his behalf. We'll soon find out! Hit it Zell.

**Zell: **Jitterbug! Du, du.. Jitterbug! Du du.. You put the boom, boom into my heart. You send my soul ski high when your loving starts.

**Noel: **...Zell?

**Zell: **Jitterbug into my brain, it goes a bang, bang, bang till my feet do the same!

-.-.-.-.-

**Tifa: **-Sighs dreamily- Now that's a true man.. Somebody who can recite the lyrics of Wham!.. Ahh, to have him as my lover...

**Vincent: ** Yeah... Wait. What?

-.-.-.-.-.-

**Zell: **If something's bugging you, if something ain't right, my best friend told me what you did last night!

**Noel: **Zell!!

**Fujin: **EARPHONES.

**Zell: **You left me sleeping in my bed. I was dreaming but I should've been with you instead...!

**Noel: **-Pulls the earphones out of Zell's ears-

**Zell: **WAKE M- Huh? Hey!! What the hell's going on?!

**Noel: **We're in the middle of the show you insane piece of crap! Now stop singing Wham! Songs and get back to pick your damn boxes!

**Zell: **... S-Sorry Sir.

**Noel: **Yes.. Well. Hurry up.

**Zell: **-Hanging his head in shame- Xu.

**Xu**Yes, I knew I would bring you luck and fortune.

**Zell: **...? –Shakes his head- Right..

**Xu**-Opens box to reveal... 150 Gil-

**Zell: **Woop! Cheers Xu!

**Xu**Yes, I knew I would bring you luck and fortune.

**Zell: **The hells up with you?

**Tidus: **Sorry guys, she wouldn't shut up to me about Balamb Gardens income over the past few years so I threw a recorded message box thing into her throat.

**Raijin: **Hey, why'd you do that? She was my friend, ya know? Now I'll never be able to confess my weird feelings for cucumbers to anybody else. She was the only one that understood. Now I'll be alone forever, ya know?!

**Fujin: **STUPID! –Kicks Tidus-

**Tidus: **Oh my God! Ow! What the?!

**Laguna: **-Throws his shoe at Tidus- Why are you even here? You're not from Final Fantasy VIII! Woo! I've always wanted to shout that at someone.

**Selphie: **Yeah. Go home, you blonde!

**Laguna: **Go Selphie!

Laguna and Selphie both give each other a high five. Tidus and Quistis both give Selphie a death glare.

**Selphie: **Oh! Sorry Quistis, but you suck Tidus! Go play with the buses!

**Tidus: **But Kimarhi isn't from here either!

**Kimarhi: **Shut up you Final Fantasy X freak.

**Tidus: **Kimarhi! –Cries-

**Everybody (Excluding Zell): **No more Blondes! No more Blondes!

**Tidus: ** Quistis! You're blonde too, help me out. Please!

**Quistis: **-Quickly whips out a ginger wig and puts it over her hair- No more Blondes!

**Zell: **Shut up!!!

**Everybody: **...

**Some random guy: **No! You Blonde! Blonde victim!!

**Zell: **-Does a Dolphin Blow on that guys ass- Okay. Ward, open up.

**Ward: **... –Opens box to reveal... 35, 000 Gil-

**Zell: **Hmm okay, I guess.

**Noel: **It's not actually..

**Zell: **... –Sighs- Right moving swiftly onwards, Kimarhi could you please open up your box before I whip out a tin of beans, eat the beans then thrust the tin of empty beans up Mr. Noel Edmonds bean less ass.

**Kimarhi: **Kimarhi think you are bean crazy. Har, har, har!

**Zell: **No. That wasn't funny. Now open up your box before I whip out a tin of peas, eat the peas then thrust the tin of empty peas up your blue ass!

**Kimarhi: **Kimarhi thinks you are just generally crazy. –Opens box to reveal...-

**Noel: **Hold up!

**Zell: **... What now?

**Noel: **Zell has had one pretty shit round so far.

**Zell: **Eh, no I haven't. So I took out the 35, 000. So? I still took out 150 Gil. It hasn't been that bad.

**Noel: **So I think that we should all think blue. Hold hands and chant: Blue, blue, blue!

**Zell**..Just you go ahead and ignore me. Brilliant.

**Noel: **Look the people in my ear are telling me that now is the time to chant the blue. So, I'm going to do what they say and chant for blues. It makes the game more interesting.

**Zell: **_Yeah __right._ Okay.

-.-.-.-.-

**Tifa and Vincent: **BLUE, BLUE, BLUE, BLUE, BLUE, BLUEEEE!!!!

-.-.-.-.-

**Audience: **Blue, blue, blue!

**Kimarhi: **Kimarhi hopes that you get a red.

**Zell: **...Yeah. Thanks.

**Kimarhi: -**Opens box to reveal... 450 Gil-

**Zell: **Yes!! Get in there!! Gwah!

**Noel: **See the blue chant does work!

**Zell: **Jaaaa!!

_**Bring-Bring-Bring-Click!**_

-.-.-.-.-

**Cloud: **Yo.

**Tifa: **Go away Cloud we're waiting to see what the banker has offered Zell.

**Cloud: **No, look at me.

**Vincent: **Cloud. Leave.

**Cloud: **No! –Walks in front of the TV-

**Tifa: **For the love of.. Will you move!

**Cloud: **Just look at me!

**Tifa: **-Sighs. Looks at Cloud- Oh my God! Zell?!??

-.-.-.-.-

Random heartbeat can be heard and the camera zooms in on Zell's fingers.

**Zell: **He may shut the hell up! No deal you old pathetic piece of a man!

-.-.-.-.-

Ohh! What happened between Zell and the Banker. And Cloud?! Sorry this chapter was short but I've been busy with Romeo & Juliet coursework and other stuff. Sorry. Please R&R


	5. Chapter 5

_Do not try any of the crazy stuff below at home._

_**Deal or No Deal – FF8 Style (5)**_

**Tifa: **ZOMGGG!! Cloud?! What have you done!!

**Cloud:**Ey! (Acting as The Fonz from Happy Days) You can call me Zell.

**Tifa: **O.O

**Vincent: **Well I'm going to just go back to my church and watch the end of the show. Bye! –Runs of-

**Cloud: **So, I'm sexy right?

**Tifa: **No! Of course you're not sexy, you just got plastic surgery and how it has healed over so quickly I do not know but that's not the point, what the point is, is that you're not.. Oh look the shows back on. We will continue this conversation later. Dismissed.

**Cloud: **B-But Tifa:O

**Tifa: **I said dismissed young Strife!

**Cloud: **Look here you. I'm the man in this relationship, I wear the trousers!

**Tifa: **-Throws her gloves at Clouds head.. He gets smacked up the face and goes flying out of the room.- Okay Deal or No Deal.. Where were we?

-.-.-.-.-.-

**Noel: **I think this show has had the most breaks in the history of DoND.

**Zell: **Dond?

**Noel: **No, DoND, it's an abbreviation that only I use for Deal or No Deal so don't ever say it again.

**Laguna: **-Raises his hand-

**Noel: **Yes Laguna?

**Laguna: **Why isn't anybody else allowed to say it?

**Squall: **-Slaps his forehead-

**Noel: **Nobody else is allowed to say it because it was my genius brain which thought of it and my genius mouth will be the only genius mouth to ever speak that genius abbreviation. All clear?

**Laguna: **Yes sir.

**Squall: **-Slaps forehead.. Again-

**Noel: **So if I hear anybody else saying DoND, they shall be kicked of the premises. Alright let's continue.

**Laguna: **DoND, DoND, DoND, DoND, DoND, DoND, DoND, DoND!!!!! HAH!

**Squall: **_Oh my God. _

**Laguna: **Sorry.. Little outburst. My bad.

**Noel: **Ahem.. Yes, well if anybody else has a 'little outburst' they will be getting kicked out and I mean that.

**Zell: **I'm just going to continue.. If that's okay?

**Noel: **Sure, go for it.

**Zell: **Sweet! Alright here I go.. –Scans the remaining people- Hrmm.. Number twenty-five is one of my unlucky numbers..

**Noel: **Why's that?

**Zell: **Well my theory is that when you hit twenty-five your life is sort of like over.. So it's unlucky for me.

**All the twenty-five year old and over's: **-Glare at Zell constantly-

**Some random girl: **Hey you! I just turned twenty-five so what are you suggesting, that my sex life is over or something?!

**Zell: **N-No! I'm no-

**Some random girl: **-Throws a hair at Zell- Take that you lousy bum!

**Zell: **Ow! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that it's just my theory, it doesn't apply for anyone else..

**Some random guy: **Hey that's my theory too, so what are you suggesting, that I'm not allowed to have the same theory or something as you?! Huh?!?!!

**Zell: **N-No! It's just... Damn. Look I'm sorry, can I continue with my box picking now?

**Laguna: **No!

**Everybody: **...

**Laguna: **I'm sorry.. My pills.. In the car... Yes.

**Zell: **Well as I was saying until I was rudely interrupted twenty-five is one of my unlucky numbers so I would like to get that out of my way.. So, Quistis! Open the box for me please.

**Quistis: **Alright. –Opens box to reveal.. 250 Gil-

**Zell: **Yes!!! Awesome, thank you Quisty!

**Seifer: **You so want her bum..

**Zell: **Seifer!?!?!

**Noel: **Just ignore him. His contract stated that he was allowed to stay in the premises no matter what.

**Seifer: **Yeah, eat that! Oh and Noel?

**Noel: **Yes?

**Seifer: **DoDN! BAH!

**Noel: **...

**Zell: **Seifer just shut up. Hmm for my next box.. Who should I choose? Is anybody having any good vibes from their boxes?

**Everybody: **...

**Squall: **_I'm having the worst vibe ever from mine_-Raises his hand-

**Noel: **Yes, Squall?

**Squall: **I'm having a good vibe.

**Zell: **Wow, you spoke when you didn't even need to speak!

**Squall: **Well I actually did because.. Umm my box is good?

**Zell: **So what's the vibe like?

**Squall: **...Strong and umm big. Good big vibe..

**Zell: **Well that's good for me! Go ahead Squall, open that bad boy up!

**Squall: **_BAHAHA!__ -_Opens box to reveal... 400 Gil- ... Damn.

**Zell: **Awesome!!! Dear Lord, I am on absolute fire now. See the flames people?

**Everybody: **No.

**Zell: **Look! –Whips out a lighter, farts then lights it- Flames! Bahaha, I'm on fire baby. Fire!!

**Everybody: **O.O

**Tidus: **Oh my God, people from Final Fantasy VIII are absolutely insane.

**Zell: **What the hell are you talking about? Your hair is insane!

**Tidus: **Damn you Dincht.

**Zell: **Hey guys.. This is starting to burn me.. Sweet sugar lumps!! AHH!

**Kiros**-Throws water over Zell's gluteus maximus- I had a bucket just encase fire broke out again and what do you know? It did! Thank me later once we get the show done.

**Zell: **Phew! Moving swiftly along then... Laguna, hit me with a blue Loire!

**Laguna: **-Throws a blue pen at Zell- Hah, joke!

**Zell: **...Yes.

**Laguna: **-Gives a thumbs up to Zell.. Eventually opens box to reveal... 350 Gil-

**Zell: **JAAAAAAAA!!!!

**Noel: **Wow Zell, I'm actually impressed. That was an all blue round, congratulations!

**Zell: **Why thank you Noel.

**Laguna: **I did good right?

**Ward: **...

**Kiros**He said right.

**Noel: **Alright let us all hold on our excitement for a few more minutes until the Banker rings.

_**Bring-Bring-Bring-Bring-**_

**Noel: **Ooh! Just on time. –Answers the phone- Ohh really? Okay. Here Zell he wants to speak to you.

**Zell: **Alright. Hello?

**Banker: **-Heavy breathing can be heard- Hello there Zelly!

**Zell: **Umm hi? Your accent is pretty crazy.

**Banker: **Yes well I am from Norway.

**Zell: **Norway?

**Banker: **Norway.

**Zell: **Okay.. So what did you want to speak to me about?

**Banker: **-Coughs- Well this is kind of hard for me to say this but.. Where did you umm.. Where did you get your piercing?

**Zell: **O.O How did you know about that?

**Banker: **Internet.

**Zell: **Oh right.. How the hell did that get on there.. Wait. Which one?

**Banker: **Bum.

**Zell: **-Turns red-

**Noel: **What's wrong?

**Zell: **Oh ahem.. Nothing. –To the Banker, says the name pretty darn fast- TheBumPiercingCentre in Esthar okay?

**Banker: **Gotcha.

**Zell: **Here Noel, he wants to speak to you again. –Hands the phone to Noel-

**Noel: **Hey again. Yeah, okay. Thanks, bye! He said he likes you so he's going to offer 15, 000 Gil. Think carefully Zell this is important.

Camera zooms in on Zell's a-

**Zell: **No deal!

-.-.-.-.-.-

Hey sorry for the delay I had a test but I did it today so I typed this out once I got home. Here it is then.. Still two chapters to go, thanks a million to everyone reviewing!


	6. Chapter 6

_**Deal or No Deal – FF8 Style (6)**_

**Noel: **Once again we are back in action in the second last break on this one of special and if you've just joined us then you will know that this has been one messed up show and that Zell has been acting like a complete reject due to the fact that he is one and so has every other person excluding myself for I am just magnificent and that's all I have to say for my opening sentence this time ah hah, hah... –Smiles-

**Zell: **Don't you ever take breaths?

**Noel: **No, I'm a robot.

**Zell: **Seriously?!

**Seifer: **No, you asswipe! He's shittin' you!

**Zell: **Noel why do you do that for.. You always make me feel like I'm stupid or something.

**Noel: **Well, you a-

**Zell: **Don't even say it! I am not stupid. Just.. Look I'm not stupid okay, just let me continue.

**Noel: **Hold on a second. So, what do you think of your game? You still have the big one and the small one. Big differences between them Zell, I suggest you think very carefully on your next offer be it what you expected or not.

**Zell: **-Stares at the game board- I suppose but 50, 000 is still up there and I have 10, 00 to fall back on. So in my eyes I'm doing amazing.

**Noel: **Now, now don't get to cocky the Banker doesn't like cocky men.

**Zell: **... Sorry.

**Noel: **Right let's do it. We want the 250 in your box Zell. Everybody cross your fingers for Zell through the rest of the game.

**Zell: **Rinoa, what do you think of your box?

**Rinoa: **... Red?

**Zell: **Uhh okay. Please open it!

**Rinoa: **I hope this a blue just for you, it would put a smile on my face as well as your embrace, to me for giving ye, a blue to which you can be true and now I know I must shut up and go to open my box be it good or not! Did you see that? Good right, I watched thirty-five shows just to get that together.

**Everybody: **...

**Rinoa: **-Looks at Squall-

**Squall: **-Starts to clap-

**Everybody: **-Clap.. Sort've-

**Rinoa: **Thank you:D Alright here I go! Wait.. Everybody does this so, you were a great aspect to the game Zell: We will all miss you so darn much, this is a blue for you to which I can be true an-

**Ward: **Shut up!

**Kiros**He said- Wait omg! Ward you just spoke!

**Ward: **...

**Kiros**-Stares at Ward-

**Rinoa: **Okay.. –Opens box to reveal... 200 Gil- Woop!

**Zell: **Cheers Rin but you know.. I'm going to see you after the show so like, why are you saying you'll miss me?

**Laguna: **Yeah!

**Squall: **-Glares at Laguna-

**Rinoa: **Everybody says it on the shows; I'm just trying to blend more.

**Zell: **But they won't actually see them people again.

**Rinoa: **When did you get so smart?

**Zell: **I've always been smart.

**Everybody**..

**Zell:** I have!

-

**Flashback!**

**Selphie: **Zell! What happened to your face?!

**Zell: **-Clutching his face- I slipped on the floor on the way in..

**Irvine: **Zell, there's signs everywhere. Literally. Look atyour hands.

**Zell: **Huh? –Reads hands: WET FLOOR OUTSIDECANTEEN, WET FLOOR. WET FLOOR!!!-

**Irvine: **And it's on your head as well so that means..

**Selphie: **EUGH!

**Irvine**..You never washed your face!

-

**Zell: **So there was that one time... I was just having a bad day..

**Everybody: **...

**-**

**Flashback!**

**Seifer: **You're reading your book upside down, Chicken Wuss.

**Zell: **Ahh! I was wondering why these words were all weird.

**Seifer: **-Stares at Zell then walks away-

-

**Zell: **Fine.

**Rinoa: **-Grins- I always prove my point.

**Zell: **So? You're a sorceress how crap is that.

Zell gets burned.

**Zell: **Sorry.

**Noel: **Continue?

**Zell: **Continue.

**Noel: **Go then.

**Zell: **Kiros!

**Kiros**This is the one pence. I can feel it. –Opens box to reveal.. 10, 000-

**Zell: **-Breaths deeply- Woo.. I thought that was the 250 there when I seen it. Thanks man! Okay Raijin not the 250 please.

**Rajin**Alright!

**Noel: **-Pointing at Raijin- If this is the 250 then this game has gone straight downhill but if this is the one p then I'd like to hear the roof go off!

**Rajin**-Pulls of the wee sticky thing... Opens box to reveal...-

**Noel: **Freeze!

**Raijin: **Aww Noel.. What?

**Noel: **I'm going to have to make you stay still until after the break. –Looking to the camera- Don't you leave us now!

-.-.-.-.-.-

**Tifa: **O Cloud, Cloud? Wherefore art thou Cloud?

**Cloud: **She speaks! O speak again bright angel so you can be distracted whilst I completely bash up our television.

**Tifa: **Cloud? Cloud! What the hell are you doing clinging to the wall?

**Cloud: **-Jumps of wall- Just getting the muscles going as usual.

**Tifa: **How's the face?

**Cloud: **Sore. Those gloves you threw at me, they stung like a bitch.

**-**

**Noel: **We're back!

-

**Cloud: **So, don't you owe me- Tifa? Tifa!? –Goes all Robocop like- Must destroy Deal or No Deal. Argh!

-

**Noel: **Okay, go for us Raijin!

**Raijin: **I don't see why we had to wait, ya know? –The box opens to reveal... 50, 000 Gil-

**Noel: **Ooh! That ain't what we wanted to see.

**Zell: **No that's good! –Starts to clap-

**Everybody: **...

**Zell: **That audience is so shit. Where'd did you get these people from?

**Noel: **The streets.

**Zell: **-Looks at audience- Ahh, what a.. Lovely bunch.

**Random person: **-Throws a banana at Zell-

**Zell: **...

**Noel: **Well look on the bright side. 250, 000 is still in play.

**Zell: **I am looking on the bright side, no matter what the Banker offers I know that the 250 is in this box. –Pats his box-

**Noel: **But you can't know for certain if it's in there.

**Zell: **Oh but I do, just watch.

_**Bring – Bring – Bring- Click!**_

**Noel: **Hi. Yeah, that's what I said! I know. Right, okay. Bye. –Puts the phone down- 1000 Gil Zell.

**Zell: **Whaaat!?! Is he blind?! The 250 is there. 250

**Noel: **He said he likes you and all but he wants to test you.

**Zell: **Test me?! What sort of shite is that!?

**Noel: **Hey! I don't know. Ask him.

**Zell: **For God's sake. Fine no deal.

**Noel: **I haven't even asked the quest-

**Zell: **NO DEAL!

-.-.-.-.-

Oooh Zell is angry.. Well I'd be like that to I guess.


	7. Finale

_**Deal or No Deal – The Finale**_

**Noel: **So we're back again for the last part of the show. A quick summary if you're just joining us: Zell has declined every single one of the offers he has been presented with and he is now facing a very tense moment. The 1 Gil and the 250, 000 are still in play but we must now open up Zell's box. –Walks toward Zell's box-

**Zell: **Ahh, I'm already a quarter Gil-lionaire. –Rests his feet on the table- Yep, it just all gets better from here on.

**Tidus: **How come you're so sure of your box? Did you rig the game or something?

**Fujin: **RIG GAME?

**Tidus: **Yeah you Final Fantasy VIII characters are all like that.

**All the FFVIII characters: **...

**Rinoa: **Zell doesn't have the brains to rig a game.

**Zell: **Here, you can't say anything you had to be rescued.. What? –Counts on fingers- About.. Ninety times by Squall right?

**Rinoa: **Shut up porcupine.

**Zell: **-Grins- That's me. So go ahead Noel, open up the box.

**Noel: **Oka-

_**Bring – Bring – Bring – Click!**_

**Noel: **Yes, hello again? Okay. –Hangs up- Well, Gillionaire you're being offered the swap. I'll give you a few moments to think about what you want to do. –Runs away-

**Zell: **Hmm.. My box or Ultimecia's box... Yo Ultimecia your box? How's the vibe?

**Ultimecia**Why would I help you?

**Zell: **'Cause I'm nice and I'm loveable?

**Ultimecia**Hmm. Right well I don't have any vibes.

**Zell: **Right. Noel? ... Brilliant. The host has split.

**Noel: **Sorry I was just uhh –Points to his hair- Yeah. Spray you know, the usual... So, your decision?

**Zell: **This box and I have gone through a lot of hard times together and well, I just don't think I could part with her. My baby so I'm saying no deal to the swap Noel!

**Noel: **Okay no deal to the swap then!

**Zell: **So go ahead Noel, I'm hoping, praying that this is the 250 so please, make my dreams come true!

**Noel: **Well I hope that you won't become the first Final Fantasy person to become a member on the one Gil club but even if you do Zell, it has been my pleasure to have you on the show and I wish you all the best with your future plans and stuff.

**Zell: **Thanks Noel.

**Noel: **Okay -Takes a deep breath- Here I go. –Rips of the wee sti-

EUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**Noel: **What in the name...?!

**Zell: **The hell?!

**Everybody: **O.O!

The crazy EUGH persons voice is all broke up like they're crazy or something. :)

yoU – desTROyed – MY – RelAtioNShip – with – My – TIFAAA – IlL – MakE – yOU – PAY!

**Rinoa: **Is that.. Cloud? Cloud Strife?

**Squall: **How do you know it's Cloud Strife?

**Rinoa: **The sexy hair, the-

**Squall: **Okay.

**Noel: **Good God, Mr.Strife what in the world is wrong with you?

**Cloud: **AHRRRRGH!! –Starts acting completely insane, destroying the setting, the cameras, the boxes etc- StuPiD DEAl oR no deAl!!

**-**

**Tifa: **Oh my God!

-

**Noel: **Stop it Mr.Strife!

**Seifer: **That guy is insane, I'm out of here! –Runs away-

**Tidus: **Kimarhi come on, to Zanarkand!

**Kimarhi: **But Kimarhi thi-

**Tidus: **C'mon! –Grabs Kimarhi then they split-

**Rest of the Final Fantasy VIII characters (excluding Zell):** -Run away-

**Zell: **Wait my box! Cloud, stop this!

**Cloud: **AUUUG!H! –Punches Zell-

**Zell: **Ah! Damn you Strife! I will get to find out what is in my box, you're not gonna ruin this for me!

Cloud: -Grabs his Buster sword- AHH!

**Zell: **What the hell is wrong with you!?! –Cloud starts advancing on Zell-

**Seifer: **-Comes running back- C'mon Chicken Wuss, let's go! You too Noel! –Grabs Zell and Noel then runs-

**Noel: **Nooo my set!

**Zell: **-Crying- My box!! Noooooooooo!

**Cloud: **-Laughing like a maniac- HAHAHAHAHA!! No more Deal or No Deal!!! Excellent! BAHAHAHAH!

**-.-.-.-.-.-**

_**Several years later...**_

**Noel:** -Reminiscing on the past- My whole life ruined.. Just because of that Final Fantasy one of special game. They never made the show again due to it making people mentally ill. I don't have any money at all.. It's a sad time in my life right now but you know.. I'm Noel Edmonds, I'll return. –Starts wondering through the streets-

**Some woman: **Get out of the street, you lousy bum!

**Noel: **I need food!

**Some woman: **-Throws a banana at Noel-

**Noel: **-Sighs- I don't like banana's.. –Walks toward a garbage bin- Hey, some chicken! –Starts grabbing the pieces of chicken from the bin- Aww yes! Still warm... What the... DoND? –Grabs some red box from the bin, reading the side of it (ZD's box!) Zell? –Lifts box from the bin- This is his box! Zell Dincht's box!! _Should I open it..? __Aww__ what the heck, open it Noel! _–Opens box to reveal... 250, 000 Gil-

-.-.-.-.-.-

Hey! I'm really sorry about the ending but at least Zell would have actually been a quarter Gillionaire if Cloud had never destroyed the place. But sure, that's it. Thanks for everything folks! Until next time. :D


End file.
